Another oldie, yet newie.

When I arrived home the other night, I discovered my old friend Ooga, chief of the Mongo tribe, was in town. He wasn't hard to miss.

Neanderthals have little patience with the niceties of modern life. I could tell he encountered my locked front door, but he had no trouble with it. It lay in splinters in the entryway; no doubt a victim of the large club Ooga is fond of carrying.

The refrigerator was sans door too, the contents scattered about, and most of the good stuff was missing. Every time Ooga stops by, I need to score a new fridge.

But I didn’t worry, for I've learned not to sweat the small stuff when Ooga arrives. Friendship is far more important to us than a few material things. There aren't that many of us Neanderthals around anymore, and I was darn glad to see him.

I found him sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV, surrounded by newspapers and magazines. This is not unusual, since he likes to catch up on current events when he drops by.

He looked up when I came in, and said, "Man, you in trouble."

(Actually, he said, "Grunt snoorkle clack clack " but I thought I should translate for you.)

Anyway, after checking out our world, this Neanderthal from 30,000 years ago wanted to tell me something important.

Most people don't realize that modern man did not evolve from the Neanderthals. Although they dominated pre-historic society for many thousands of years, the Neanderthals disappeared around the time another group of hominids, mankind's actual ancestors, moved into their turf.

Ooga wanted to tell me why this happened.

The Neanderthals were doing well up to about the time the last great ice age was ending. They did their hunter-gatherer thing and lived in caves in relative peace and prosperity.

The Mongo tribe was typical. Ooga was a powerful, but fair leader, and his family and friends prospered. Anyone who actively participated in the hunt and gathered their share of veges lived a good life.

Their caves were comfortable, they heated and cooked with fire, and they traded with a tribe across the water to obtain a black, sticky substance that seeped from the ground, to make torches that lit up the darkness.

Ooga had the best flint knappers forming sharp blades for their knives and spears, so they were successful on the mastodon hunting fields and in battle.

He even claims his tribe invented the wheel, and used it to transport goods and people.

They wore fur clothing to shed the cold, and lived together in comfort during the long winters, singing songs and telling jokes.

Not everything was rosy, of course. Some Neanderthals were dissatisfied. No one in the tribe was allowed to go hungry, but those that chose not to hunt or gather demanded to be supported by the tribe, yet they complained constantly.

These people were called by their Neanderthal name, "Welf-a-cheets."

Ooga hired some people to help him run the necessary business of the tribe, but they ended up doing little actual work. He called these folks, "Bo-ro-crats."

Some of Ooga's political enemies tried for years to replace him as chief, but failing that they organized opposition to almost anything that worked right under his rule. Using clever, greedy operatives (known as, "Ah-tor-neh") they tried to disrupt Neanderthal society.

These dissidents protested and rioted and finally resorted to dishonest tactics ("La-su-its") to force Neanderthal society to discontinue just about everything that the Mongo tribe needed to remain strong and happy.

Some dissidents noted the climate changes caused by the ending of the ice age, and tried to blame them on Ooga's fires and torches. Others fretted about the few people hurt by the wheel (Ese-ewe-ve) and by sharpened flint blades. And a small number wailed over the killing of mastodons and the wearing of skins. 

Through the dreaded "La-su-its" these societal outcasts destroyed much of Neanderthal tradition. Ooga's people had to give up the wheel, hunting, and most of their weapons. Everyone was forced to wear clothing made from hemp. Without fire and torches they could only huddle together in the cold, but no one was allowed to sing or tell jokes if a single person in the tribe took offense. Even the medicine man quit, because the "Ah-tor-neh" prevented him from practicing his magic.

With only "Bo-ro-crats" running things, chaos and sloth replaced efficiency. By the time the new group of hominids migrated in and challenged the Neanderthals for their land, the Mongo had given away everything that had made them great, and they were just a shadow of their former selves.

Ooga said that his people had become just like the sick mastodon he once hunted, that was so weakened by parasites that it died before the first spear struck.

Then he pointed to the TV, the newspapers, and the magazines, and he said, "Grunt snoorkle clack clack." (Man, you in trouble)